The Necessity Of Denial In Grieving Murder: Observations Of The Victims' Families Following The Bombing In Oklahoma City
By M. VICTORIA CUMMOCK
NCP Clinical Quarterly 5(2/3): Winter 1995
More than six years have past since my husband John was murdered by the 1988 terrorist bombing of Pam Am 103, along with 269 other people. During the course of bereavement -- my children's, my own, and that of other Pam Am families' -- I became increasingly aware that families of homicide victims have unique needs related to grieving. Subsequently, I have been trying to raise awareness among mental health providers, educators, and counselors about how the needs of families of homicide victims differ from other bereaved families. Recently, I spent eight days in Oklahoma City under the sponsorship of the American Red Cross, working with many of the 168 victims' families awaiting death notification at the Compassion Center and in their homes. Much of what I have observed over the last six years about the grieving process of families of homicide victims was confirmed -- this brief article attempts to share my observations about the initial stages of coping with the murder of a loved one.
Most mental health professionals are familiar with the different stages of the grieving process: the initial shock, denial, anger, sadness, guilt, loneliness, despair, and gradual acceptance. But when the loss of a loved one is complicated by a sudden, violent, and intentional act, such as murder, the reactions of survivors are also sudden and violent in their own way -- intense, severe and profound. Even though common variables affect all survivors' bereavement reactions (i.e., previous exposure to trauma, illness; degree of coping skills; level of social support), the combined affects of the length of time awaiting official notification and the return of remains, the degree of intrusive outside influences (e.g., media/public involvement), and the role of the mental health provider result in a markedly different post-traumatic environment.
The Length Of Time Awaiting Official Notification
The process of waiting for official information is complicated by a range of emotions including disbelief, growing anguish, and deep grief itself. No one is ever prepared to deal with news that someone they love has been brutally murdered. When malice is involved, the process of connecting the horror of such an unthinkable act to the loved one is kept at bay for various reasons.
First and most importantly, are the issues of hope and loyalty. It is natural to hope against all hope that somehow a loved one has been spared the cruel fate of a violent murder. It is not uncommon for families to hold out hope for their loved one's survival for days or even weeks as the effects of shock alter the perception of time to that of endless minutes, rather than hours or days. Holding out for hope is driven by a deep sense of loyalty to the victim. To give up this hope is to abandon one's family during the time of its greatest need. Thus, a strong sense of denial is maintained at all cost and remains in effect until official notification of death received and/or a body is recovered. It is at this juncture, that families can and must let go of life as they have known it and accept the reality of death with the horror and anguish that it brings.
For the families of the 116 victims still left trapped in the Federal building 10 days after the bombing, the parallel process of holding vigil and awaiting notification was striking. Initially, the conversations were of hope of survival. Many spoke of the physical strength, stamina and endurance of their loved one and his or her ability to overcome extreme adversity. As the days progressed into weeks, the conversations evolved from hope of survival to hope of recovering a body. Slowly, the degree of denial changed as they gave themselves permission to let go just a little bit of hope and let a bit of reality take its place. The rate in which this process took place varied dramatically from one person to another depending on their ability to deal with the degree of horror, anguish and pain that came with the acceptance of reality.
The identification of a body provided the final closure needed to accept the reality of the loss serving to initiate the other formidable challenges of grieving. In Oklahoma City, prior to notification of death, families appeared somber, glazed, and emotionally constricted. In contrast, notification activated the grieving process which included crying, sobbing, and a general releasing of emotions.
The Effect Of Intrusive Outside Influences
Intrusive influences such as media, or expansive public involvement at the outset of a murder can greatly complicate the grieving process. The emotional overload families experience compromises their defenses, leaving them disoriented, vulnerable, and extremely distressed. Families need a supportive environment which encourages private time to identify and connect with the wide ranging feelings of shock, anger, sadness, guilt, resentment and revenge. Families need to be protected from unnecessary intrusions.
Repeated media images of the carnage, devastation, and destruction further intensify the shock and keep survivors confused and isolated. The families need for truth and official information must be protected and held as a priority. Based on their acute emotional state, it is imperative that families are given first-hand official information about their loved ones, thus allowing them a private time to cope with the facts prior to public consumption. Again, it becomes an issue of loyalty to the deceased in that the families want to respect, honor, and protect them. Once the deceased becomes a "public persona" entering the public domain, families have lost another part of that person during a time they have not yet learned how to cope with their initial loss.
Since the nature of news is what is "new," the pace in which the media intrudes in the victims families is uncanny and often quite ruthless. The press often try to sensationalize tragedy when the truth and facts alone are hard enough for the families to cope with. It is important to honor the needs of the families for privacy and minimize unnecessary outside influences to avoid compounding and adding another dimension to their loss. The addition of the media, attorneys and the judicial system into the lives of homicide survivors is so overwhelming and confusing that it prevents families from regaining a sense of balance and control in their lives. Often it prevents or postpones their grief work as it relates to the loss of the victim and around the loss of their own life as they knew it.
The Role Of Mental Health Providers
Working with homicide survivors requires specialized skills and sensitivity. Regrettably, efforts to encourage survivors' to "get on" with their lives by well-intentioned, but untrained grief counselors, may unwittingly exacerbate the effects of the traumatization through subtle but powerful messages that communicate the survivors failure to adapt or the minimization of their losses.
Unlike other losses in which there is time to mentally prepare and say good-bye to one's loved one, the sudden and violent of nature of murder leaves the surviving families with an immense burden. A burden further weighted by the survivors' "unfinished business" with the victim. Unresolved issues related to earlier resentments or conflicts, to hopes and dreams, and to unfulfilled promises require attention. Survivors and those who support them particularly benefit from learning that the depth and duration of the healing process is prolonged, and that the state of acute grief may last longer than a year. Learning that each person grieves separately, differently, and at their own pace can be of great comfort to the bereaved. In short, normalizing and validating the range of intense and often contradictory emotions serves to give the bereaved the confidence to continue through the grieving process and avoid getting "stuck" in any one reaction.
The recovery process is further complicated as families of homicide victims contend with the criminal justice system. The enormous challenge of learning how this system works and its "untimely" demands amplify the already distressing states of disorientation and disorganization. Mental health providers can normalize the emotional highs and lows that next-of-kin frequently experience as they seek to find closure through the attainment of "justice." For many, justice will never be served and it is vital to help the bereaved avoid the demoralizing affects of alienation. Referrals to long-term therapy or participation in support and/or advocacy groups is recommended as a means to give the bereaved on-going support, a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, and encouragement.
In sum, it is important to understand that denial serves as the primary tool utilized by vicitms' families at the outset of a murder. Denial is an adaptive reaction that protects survivors of homicide from the full force of the tragedy. This coping mechanism is a gradual and graceful way to deal with the murder of a loved one allowing families the time they need to transition from denial into the grieving process.
Victoria Cummock is an activist working primarily in the areas of crisis management, aviation security, and counterterrorism. Her work has brought about many legislative changes including the 1990 Aviation Security Act. Victoria has worked with two president's and their administrations, 18 Congressional committees, and President' Bush's Commission on Aviation and Terrorism. She was instrumental in forming the Pan Am 103 Family Support Group and has represented this group before the United Nations Security Council, the media, and internationally with the Crown and Scottish authorities. Victoria is currently raising her three children in Florida.
|
