Coping When a Family Member Has Been Called to War
A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet
by Julia Whealin, Ph.D. & Ilona Pivar, Ph.D.
When a family member goes to war, the impact upon those left at home can be
daunting. There is often tremendous uncertainty about the dangers that exist
where the loved one is being deployed and about when he or she will return.
Concerns may be intensified as TV news programs emphasize threats, such as
chemical or biological warfare, scud missile attack, and environmental destruction.
In addition to having to adjust to the loved one’s absence, the families of
those who have been deployed may live in constant fear of harm to their loved
one.
The Emotional Cycle of Deployment
When a loved one is deployed, fluctuating emotions such as pride, anger,
fear, and bitterness can add to the distress of uncertainty. Various emotions
continue during the person’s deployment, based upon changes the family
encounters as they adjust to the departure and absence of their family member.
The following is a typical cycle of emotions:
·
The cycle begins with a short period of intense
emotions, such as fear and anger, when news of deployment is released to the
family.
·
As departure grows closer, a period of detachment and
withdrawal may occur. In preparation for the physical separation, family
members may experience intense emotions.
·
A period of sadness, loneliness, and tension begins at
the time of departure; this can last several weeks or longer.
·
Following the first weeks of deployment, families begin
to adjust to a new routine without the deployed service member.
·
As the end of the deployment period draws near, tension
continues as the family anticipates changes related to the return of the
service member.
When Families Have Difficulties
Deployment will be a challenging time for family members who are left
behind:
·
In addition to patriotism and pride, feelings of fear
and anger are also common. The mixture of these feelings may be confusing,
particularly for children.
·
If a family already has difficulty communicating with
one another, such problems may worsen during times of stress, and add strain to
the family.
·
Those deployed may downplay the potential for danger in
order to protect the family from excessive worry, which can make family members
feel their feelings of fear are being invalidated.
When there is an impending crisis such as a war deployment, some families
may need to be become more aware of their style of relating to and supporting
each other.
·
Emotions can run high during the deployment, and people
can turn fear, anger, and other emotions against those they care for the most.
·
When certain family members, particularly children, do
express their fear or anger, families should not view these feelings as too
sensitive or as an annoyance. Instead, realize that those feelings may be
emotions that everyone shares, but perhaps not everyone has acknowledged those
feelings yet.
·
Alternatively, it is possible that members will feel as
though their emotions are numb during the time before a departure. This is
because these individuals may be preparing emotionally for the separation from
the family; it does not mean these family members don't care. Sometimes the
stronger the numbing, the stronger the emotions underlying the feelings.
Fear of the Unknown
Communication with the deployed family member during war may be minimal.
When the family knows little about where the service member is being deployed,
they may try to obtain any information they can about that area of the world.
Often, family members will turn to the media for this information. When
families do this, they may be faced with media speculation that emphasizes
frightening commentary and images. Online discussion groups can also be a
source of unreliable information that creates needless distress. Learn what you
can about the issues from trustworthy resources, such as public libraries and
published books. Put the risk in proportion so that you are in a better
position to think realistically. For example, remind yourself that even though
you hear regularly about deaths in the military, the vast majority of deployed
troops are not harmed.
Changes in Family Structure
A spouse left at home during deployment will be faced with work tasks that
s/he may be unfamiliar with. Juggling finances, lawn care, car and home repair,
cooking, and raising children can lead to stress overload and exhaustion.
Families that are flexible regarding roles and responsibilities are better able
to adapt to deployment stresses. It's important for family members to support
each other in these new responsibilities and to get outside help as much as
possible. Your military contingency officer and your employee assistance
program can provide you with childcare referrals, including before- and
after-school programs and in-home care.
Special Concerns When the Primary Caretaker Is Deployed
Many more women are now participating in war-related deployments. During
Operation Desert Shield/Storm, more than 40,000 women were deployed, thousands
of them mothers with dependent children. Research on work-family conflict among
active duty women indicates:
·
The struggle between work and family duties is a source
of parenting distress.
·
Women who were supported by their husbands in their
marital and parenting roles had fewer work-family conflicts, less distress, or
less depression.
·
Families that are flexible regarding roles and
responsibilities are better able to adapt to deployment stresses.
·
Getting information about difficult issues, such as
separation anxiety, discipline, raising adolescents, and sibling rivalry, may
help make care easier.
Special Concerns for Reservists
Reservists have added concerns pertaining to the families and jobs left
behind. In some cases, military deployment can create financial hardships due
to a loss of income. Sometimes the household financial manager is the one who
is deployed and the remaining head of the household is left to manage the
finances, perhaps without much practice. The government has developed many
services and programs to assist you and your family with these challenges
during the predeployment, deployment, and reunification stages. There are
groups that can help with the development of family emergency plans, family
care plans, and personal financial management.
Suggestions for Families of Those Going to War
The following are suggestions to help you manage the stress of having a
family member deployed for war-related duties:
1.
Take time to listen to each other. Know that deployment
will be a painful and frightening time, particularly for children. Spend time
listening to family members without judging or criticizing what they say.
People may need to just express themselves during this time. The more family
members can communicate with one another, the less long-term strain there will
be on the family.
2.
Limit exposure to news media programs. Families should
minimize exposure to anxiety-arousing media related to the war. News programs
often emphasize fearful content and frightening images to create a
"story." Watching a lot of TV news programs, for example, can create
needless distress. When children worry about war, let them know that the war is
far away. Acknowledge children's fears, and let them know that parents,
teachers, and police are here to protect them.
3.
Remember the deployed member is still a part of the family.
Find ways to keep a symbolic representation of the deployed member visible to
the family. Keep photographs of your loved one in prominent locations. Get
children's help in keeping a family journal of each day's events for the
deployed member to look at when he or she returns.
4.
Understand feelings. Emotions such as fear, anger, and
feeling "numb" are normal and common reactions to stress. Family
members need to make sure these emotions aren't turned against one another in
frustration. It will help family members manage tension if you share feelings,
recognize that they are normal, and realize that most family members feel the
same way.
5.
Spend time with people. Coping with stressful events is
easier when in the company of caring friends. Ask for support from your family,
friends, church, or other community group.
6.
Join or develop support groups. Forming support groups
for the spouses of deployed military personnel helps spouses cope with
separation from their loved ones. Peer-support groups, led by spouses of deployed
service members, can be a tremendous aid to family functioning. Spouses can
share ideas with each other, trade childcare or other responsibilities, and
encourage each other if they are feeling taxed.
7.
Keep up routines. Try to stick to everyday routines.
Familiar habits can be very comforting.
8.
Take time out for fun. Don't forget to do things that
feel good to you. Take a walk, spend time with your pets, or play a game you
enjoy.
9.
Help others. It is beneficial for everyone to find ways
you and your family can productively channel energy. Helping other families and
organizing neighborhood support groups or outings can help everyone involved.
10.
Self-care. The more emotionally nurturing and stable
the remaining caretaker is, the less stress the children will feel. However,
trying to "do it all" can lead to exhaustion. Signs of caregiver
stress include feeling as though you are unable to cope, feeling constantly
exhausted, or feeling as though you no longer care about anything. It is
especially important for caretakers to devote time to themselves, exercise, and
get plenty of rest.
11.
Get professional help if needed. When stress becomes
overwhelming, don't be afraid to seek professional help. Ongoing difficulties
such as exhaustion, apathy, worry, sleeplessness, bad dreams, irritability, or
anger-outbursts warrant the attention of a professional counselor. The military
employment assistance program provides free counseling for family members
impacted by the stress of deployment. Contingency planning personnel are available
on bases around the country to help families handle stress related to
deployment.
12.
Use military outreach programs. Military outreach
programs are in place to help families prevent social isolation. Interventions
for military families are especially important for younger families and those
without a prior history of deployments. Group leaders are trained to (1) assist
in the grief process that a family goes through when a spouse is deployed, (2)
teach coping skills to deal with indefinite separations, and (3) help spouses
plan a family reunion.
Conclusion
War brings about difficult stressors for families of deployed service
members. Mixed feelings about the deployment are common, and emotions tend to
fluctuate over the course of the deployment. It is most important to take added
steps during this time to take care of yourself and your family. Also, seek
help from others around you who will understand, including friends, family
members, or other families who have a member deployed.
Related Fact Sheets
Managing
grief
Information about the course of bereavement, the treatment of bereaved individuals,
and complications of bereavement
Talking with children
about war
How do children understand what war means? How can adults best address the
concerns of children?
The effect
of PTSD on families
Provides information about the effects of PTSD on family members, and how
to cope with the effects
War and families
How traumatic stress reactions can affect families
Web site links
Family Readiness Groups (FRGs)
The Army recognizes that helping families is its moral obligation and in its best interest. Family Readiness Groups (FRGs) are an
organization of officers, enlisted soldiers, civilians, and family members who volunteer to provide mutual social and emotional support,
outreach services, and information to their fellow soldiers and family members in a local area. For information contact your unit, or if you
need help in locating family assistance, contact the Army-wide Family Liaison Office or call toll-free 1-800-833-6622.
Selected References
Black, W. G. (1993). Military-induced family separation: A stress reduction
intervention. Social Work, 38,
273–280.
Gimbel, C., & Booth, A. (1994). Why does military combat experience
adversely affect marital relations?
Journal of Marriage and Family, 56, 691–703.
Pincus, S. H., House, R., Christenson, J., & Adler, L. E. (2001). The
emotional cycle of deployment: A military family perspective. U.S. Army Medical Department Journal, 4/5/6,
15–23.
Van Breda, A. D. (1999). Developing resilience to routine separations: An
occupational social work intervention. The
Journal of Contemporary Human Services, 80, 597–605.
Vinokur, A. D., Pierce, P. F., & Buck, C. L. (1999). Work-family
conflicts of women in the Air force: Their influence on mental health and
functioning. Journal of Organizational
Behavior, 20, 865–878.
